1. Will Daniel Day Lewis manage to fit the words "I drink your milkshake" into his acceptance speech?
2. Will George Clooney (or Tom Wilkinson) work in the line, "I am Shiva, the god of death," into theirs? Or will Wilkinson babble that the Oscar "answers the multiple choice of me?"
3. Will "Roderick Jaynes," the non-existant film editor of "No Country for Old Men," give the longest acceptance speech in Oscar history?
4. Will Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova's rendition of "Falling Slowly" be the best musical performance that the show has ever seen?
5) How many Americans will come to consider God a quaint, ancient notion after having to sit through three overly cute musical numbers from Enchanted? How many will shoot a hole in their television to escape the menace of atheism?
6) Will teenage nominees Ellen Page and/or Saoirse Ronan have Mom or Dad drive her up to the red carpet? Or will she have said parent drop her off at the corner and walk the rest of the way?
7) Will Johnny Depp show up to the ceremony with Sweeney Todd's striped hair?
8) Will the Academy rightfully award a prize to The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford so that I can renew my faith in God after sitting through all those Enchanted production numbers?
9) Does Marion Cotillard speak English?
10) Does anyone remember that Tom Wilkinson is English? Does Tom Wilkinson remember he's English?
11) Will Sean Penn manage to make it through a ceremony without insulting somebody? OK, OK. Will Sean Penn manage to make it through a ceremony without insulting more than four people?
12) Will Miley Cyrus need to sound out some of the big words on the teleprompter when she presents an award?
13) Does Salma Hayek do any sort of paying work other than presenting Academy Awards anymore?
14) What is Patrick "Pizza Boy" Dempsey doing touching an Oscar, much less presenting one?
15) Will Cate Blanchett come dressed as a man?
16) Will there be a special moment in which James Earl Jones, in full resonant voice, tries to explain the ending of No Country for Old Men?
17) Will Morgan Freeman wear that same tuxedo that he always wears? (Answer: Yes.)
18) Will Anne Hathaway make K. Bowen's tongue wag, no matter what she's wearing? (Answer: very likely.)
19) Can we get through a special television event without having that Frank Caliendo impersonation guy getting shoved down our throat?
20) Most importantly, at what time will it end?