7 p.m. CST: Well let's start. Will it be the Coen's night. Probably. But we're about to find out.
7:02: Two miuntes in and we have the first euphemism for teen pregnancy - "unexpected motherhood."
7:04: Does anyone else think that Regis Philbin tests even George Clooney's cool?
7:15: Did Regis just declare that Helen Mirren's dress came from a whorehouse? I must be mistaken, right? Please say it was warehouse. Please.
7:16: It can't be long now until Morgan Freeman's one tuxedo arrives, can it?
By the way, we've already heard the first reference to Juno as "the little film that could." There might be a drinking game in there somewhere.
7:18: Regis interviews an 83-year-old red carpet watcher who's been coming for decades, apparently fishing for stories about watching Cary Grant walk the red carpet in 1951. When was her first time? 1986. "Paul Newman won the Oscar that year," she declares. Regis quickly hustles to the next interview.
7:24: First controversy: Ellen Page just said something about having drinks. Well, she is Canadian, after all. I picture a Molson.
7:28: First egregious shot of Jack Nicholson, being interviewed by Regis Philbin from the stage, as he also points out "Xaiver" Bardem. Gotta love Notre Dame.
7:34 "Welcome to the makeup sex." Fasten your seat belts. This is going to be a bumpy night.
7:35: "All I can say is, thank God for teen pregnancy." Good line.
7:39: Stewart, aside from a few references that will keep people shaking their heads, has been pretty funny. "Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him the automatic front runner for the Republican nomination."
7:41: Gaydolf Titler, wtf?
Ellen Page is 21 by the way. All's good with the alky.
7:42: Costume design - Atonement. Bank it.
7:44: Nope. Elizabeth. Never underestimate an opulent 16th century costume drama in that category.
7:55: Best animated feature goes to Brad Bird and Ratatouille. I dislike the movie. But then again if I mildly like an animated movie it's a breakthrough. And my, does Anne Hathaway look lovely.
7:57: Go Norbit, go Norbit, go Norbit ....
No, it's La Vie En Rose for makeup.
8:00 The first Enchanted song production number. The Devil Went Down to Hollywood. Actually it's called Happy Working Song. Are there really three of these? Poor Amy Adams.
8:07: The Golden Compass wins one for atheism. Visual effects.
8:15: There Will Be Blood (edit: My Bad, Sweeney Todd) wins for art direction. Did John Stewart just compare Cate Blanchett to a pit bull? Best Supporting Actor or Actress is up.
8:16: Someone needs to do something bizarre. It's about time.
Best Supporting Actor goes to ..... Javier Bardem. Deserving choice. He thanks Coens for putting the worst haircut ever on his head. Looks like it's going to be a No Country night.
8:29 Owen Wilson to present something. Shorts. The Mozart of Pickpockets wins. The first giant who cares from the home audience erupts.
8:37: Best Supporting Actress, in which Tilda Swinton's fate might tell us something about Best Picture, although no one will be able to know exactly what. Best chance for an upset.
Tilda Swinton. Awesome. Great choice. Gives the sauciests speech so far. Jokes about George Clooney's Batman uniform, hanging upside down at lunch. "You rock, man."
8:50: The Adapted Screenplay goes to the Coens for No Country for Old Men. Cormac McCarthy gets a bit of honor. One of the brothers seemed not to know if he wanted to save some thank yous for later or not. In the end, he just said thank you.
8:56: The second Disney song. Some faux reggae crap. I guess they're saving the giant spinning teacups for the last one. Now is that win a consolation for Michael Clayton, or a sign of things to come? Stay tuned.
8:59: Let me be the first to think this just-a-thought: With a weak Best Actress field, did the insistence of running Cate Blanchett in the Supporting field for I'm Not There backfire? It was clearly a lead role. I mean, who exactly is the person playing Bob Dylan supporting in a Bob Dylan biopic?
9:03: The Jonah Hill-Seth Rogen banter about Halle Berry and Judi Dench is priceless. The Bourne Ultimatum wins. Wins What? Editing, I think. Sound Editing? Sound Editing. Sound Editing!
9:12 Best Actress goes to ..... Marion Cotillard. Who looks stunning and gives a very excitable speech, barely able to think, endearingly babbling about in a foreign language. She doesn't know that much English vocabulary, but she does know the meaning of the word "rocked" in the slang sense. Apparently, that's the chosen word for the evening.
We're three-fourths through the foreign sweep.
9:27: Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova just finished up their performance of "Falling Slowly" from Once. It was great, obviously, but that would have been your safest bet in the Oscar pool.
Glen even brought along the guitar with the holes in it. He must sleep with that thing.
9:31: Sorry, Roderick Jaynes. They decided to give it to a real guy. but you do photograph remarkably well for someone who does not exist.
9:48: The final. Enchanted. song. And it's actually halfway presentable in a sappy, crappy, poppy way.
9:52: Best Original Song goes to where it should go .... Falling Slowly. Evil is vanquished. Poor Marketa. Time runs out on here before she can speak. Great gown, though.
10:05: Sweet of John Stewart to call Irglova back to the mike to say her peace. He must know this is her shot.
Cameron Diaz stumbles over the word "cinematography." Blonde jokes commence worldwide. Oscar goes to Robert Elswit for There Will Be Blood. Roger Deakins likely split his vote.
10:11: And Original Score goes to Atonement. The score that ruined its movie. The two best, There Will Be Blood and Jesse James, were not nominated. I would have preferred Michael Clayton.
10:29: Diablo Cody wins for her Juno script. That was a particularly reserved speech for an ex-stripper. You'd think someone named Diablo Cody would be a little more unconventional.
10:36: Daniel Day-Lewis with a classy speech that does not include the word "milkshake" but does include a reference to his son H.W. Plainview. The question is whether he knows the film has ended. Now that's living the part.
10:44: The Coens win Best Director. I've gotta think that means they're looking good. And we're about to find out.
10:49: Best Picture goes to ......
No Country for Old Men!
Marfa, Texas, rejoices. The Coens get another piece of hardware to put on their mantle! Cormac McCarthy gets a moment on screen! Wow.